Don't give me that shocked look when I ask if I can help you find something. First, you looked lost. Completely. Dude, if you start to remind me of my little brother CJ, then you've crossed the bridge into Cluelessland and I feel compelled to throw you a lifeline. And second? If you ask me about "that movie with that guy who was in that movie with that girl from..." I'll know it. Try me.

We like your business. Honest, we do. But we hate your kids. Oh, they may be the brightest, most socially aware, pageant-winning toddlers the world has ever known, but do you really think we enjoy rearranging the three dozen Barney video boxes that your little darling has moved to various strategically improbable and highly frustrating venues in our store? Feel free to think about that for a moment before moving to the next item.

Yes, I know the words to 94% of the collected track listings of Disney's catalog of soundtracks. So? Shut the hell up and let me sing. It's not hurting you, is it? No, 'cause I've got a decent voice. You'd be singing along too if you weren't such a closeted freak. Embrace your inner child/fairy/showgirl- sing along!

"What's new that's good?" Do you have a brain? Let's analyze this question. On a grand scale, the walls of the store proudly display our "New Releases," the "Hot New Releases" being the freshest. To narrow that down even more, there's a board over the counter. See that? Yeah... that's the month's new releases. Know where else you can find the new stuff this month? On that poster on the soda machine. And in the free magazines we display on the counter in several spots. Or on the signs that we pulled directly from that nice little magazine. Anyway, we've covered what's new. What's good? What's good, you ask? That's completely subjective. Hell, I loved "Eye of the Beholder!" Clear up that for you? No? Fine. What's good, well, do we want critically acclaimed, money making, underdog, most risque, most gut-burstingly funny... do we get the idea?

I just suggested "The Green Mile." Alright, I can understand that you're thrown by the length, three hours is a good long time to be engrossed in a single film, given the ever-dwindling attention span of our nation as a whole. But to turn down "Green Mile" only to grab the latest Eric Roberts flik? Wow. I mean... You... That's... **sigh** Hell in a handbasket, ladies and gentlemen. We're all fucked.

"But you have a whole box back there? Can't you just rent it to me? I'll bring it back tomorrow!" There's two flaws in your grand plan there, buddy. One, you've got more history of late fees on your account than the dude from the pet store nextdoor, and two, if I rent you a movie before its release date then I get my ass kicked, vocationally speaking. And babe, you're not worth it. It's a couple days till Tuesday, you can rent "Ninth Gate" (*snicker**snort**coughcough*sucked!*cough*) on Tuesday.

Why must you wait until you're at the head of a line of seven people at a single register to fish your membership card/driver's license out of your overstuffed wallet? And what the hell is all that crap anyway? You better not rent at Blockbuster, we have fees for that, you know.

You expected to pay $5 and now you have to pay $27? Well, I do feel bad for you, but the fact remains that I DIDN'T MAKE THE LATE FEE. "Four dollars a day?! That's pretty steep for just a late fee!" Well, simple math, folks, that's how much we'd make on that movie if you had expended a little energy and exhibited a little courtesy to return the bloody thing on time! If all our late fees were 99cents, we'd be out of business in a week and then where would you get the latest volume of "Dirty Debutants" or the newest excruciating sequel to "Prophecy".